“It was me against the world, I was sure that I’d win, but the world fought back and punished me for my sins.” ~ Mike Ness “I Was Wrong”
This song was my mantra before I ever understood what it was to have a relationship devolve because of self destruction. Granted, I had been tuning myself up for the fight with myself ever since I was a wee lad, but I didn’t fully understand the pain and anguish in this song until about a decade ago, and here I am again, perhaps a little bit wiser, but still making some of the same mistakes.
That said, the line that rings out louder than any other in the punk anthem is “how can you love when you don’t love yourself?” I’m not going to say that my self loathing is at its peak. Far from it. I find time for myself when I can. I make fairly methodical decisions to place in line to be doing the things that I want to be doing with the people that I want to be doing them with at roughly the time that I would like to do whatever that activity may be. That all said though, I still struggle, because the last person that I am willing to take into account when people are asking me to do things is myself. And now, in a situation where I am providing child support and child care I find myself in a position where I am truly not sure that I will have enough in the bank next week to pay my rent. I am just having such a hard time saying no, but I don’t have the actual funds to back it up. I don’t know why I can’t consider my own self-preservation just a bit better in that instance, but I’m not sure that the why truly matters. I have a sincere need to figure out how to move past that inclination and take care of myself.
Today I went into a complete tailspin. I was feeling awful and then my daughter broke my glasses and I completely lost it. I was done. I didn’t want to be a parent and I didn’t want to hang out with my kids and I just wanted to crawl into a hole and avoid existence. Everything felt so overwhelming and so unnecessary. Fast forward to now, 11 pm, roughly 4 hours later. I’ve picked up and sorted the majority of the kid’s room, picked up my room/living room as well as can be achieved this evening and am starting to feel a little more settled. I reached out to my colleague who I am attempting to take the last course from that I need for my certification as Applied STEM teacher. I am behind in her class. I signed up for this fall semester and asked whether I should take the fall class or keep working on it this summer and plan on taking an incomplete. My schedule will still be relatively full come fall too after all.
That felt like a sincere weight off my shoulders. It doesn’t solve everything. I still need to finish that coursework, but I feel a bit more in control. Now maybe I can focus on finishing some artwork so that maybe I can pay that rent thing. You know, roofs and heads, that sort of thing.
Rocket From The Crypt – Circa Now! – Swami 125 (2004)
The one good thing about feeling like you are at complete rock bottom? I feel creative. I feel like making. Even my instagram post earlier had me thinking creatively. Silver linings, people. Anyway, this ditch digger should get to bed so I can get up super early.